WHEN COUPLES ARGUE

She came from a family where everyone, parents and children, griped, complained and argued openly and often. In fact, her family was one of almost constant verbal conflict. They argued about anything and everything. On the other hand, her husband came from a family where children were simply not allowed to argue. If his parents got into an argument, he thought that his world was coming to an end.

When it came to their marriage, she thought that arguing was just a normal way of expressing her feelings. He  looked upon an argument with an anxiety that a catastrophe was at hand. After they had been married only a few weeks, they had an argument. She thought nothing about it, other than expressing her negative feelings. He was thinking that this marriage will never work. He became quiet and began to think about divorce. After all, when his parents argued it was rare and very serious.

Points to Consider

The families of origin for the husband and wife need to be discussed openly and honestly. Understanding is a key to a successful marriage. If couples are to understand one another, they must understand life in each other's family of origin. Failing to understand family life from your spouse's past is failing to understand your mate.

Sooner or later, all couples have disagreements. If there is never a difference of opinion, most likely someone is not being transparent, which is worse than an argument. Transparency is absolutely necessary to intimacy in marriage. The person who hides a disagreement or negative feelings toward the spouse builds an invisible wall which inhibits authentic communication.

Arguments should be about differences of opinion without personal attacks. Words are powerful. Hurtful words that are spoken during the anger of the moment can have long-lasting negative effects. Expressing negative feelings is always good. Expressing words that intentionally hurt the one you love is never good. It may cause an emotional withdrawal in the relationship.

Listening is an important part of resolving any argument. Sometime the other person simply needs to express negative feelings and pent-up emotions. When you listen to your spouse, the one you love is able to process all those negative emotions. Intimacy is restored after you actively listen.

Don't withdraw during an argument just to avoid hearing your mate's complaints. Running away from a disagreement never resolves it. Provide a safe place for your spouse to be open and honest. Refuse to become defensive, rather, ask questions that lead to understanding the negative feelings.

Finally, some couples just dearly love to argue. One husband said, "My wife and I love to argue, because making up is so much fun." For some people it may be true. For others, it's nothing short of a catastrophe. Your family of origin may be the difference.