There are two kinds of omissions of truth: the kind where you leave information out so that you don’t get in trouble for something you've done wrong, and the kind where you leave information out because it serves no purpose but to hurt your partner—it doesn't bring to light anything that can or needs to be fixed, it doesn't improve your relationship, and it simply doesn't need to be said. Here are of those types of truths.
WHAT REALLY WORKED ABOUT YOU AND YOUR EXOf course there were things that worked about you and your ex. That’s why you were together for as long as you were. And while you can go into a starry-eyed, nostalgic rant to your best friend about the particular dynamic you loved between you and your ex, going into such a rant in front of your current partner will only instill deep jealousy. He isn't sitting there taking notes on what he should do. He’s just fuming inside.
WHAT REALLY DIDN'T WORK ABOUT YOU AND YOUR EXIf you say it briefly and casually, like, “My ex did that and it kinda bugged me”—that’s fine. But, going off for five minutes about some big fight(s) you and your ex had, everything you said, everything he said, where you were coming from, where he was coming from, and what the jury decided, all with a look of fury and passion in your eyes, your partner will wonder if you still love said ex.
“WELL AT LEAST MY EX WOULD…!”And when it comes to the ex, no comparisons, please! If your partner doesn't take you out enough, or cuddle you enough, or talk to your friends enough, do not say, “Well at least my ex would do that!” What purpose does that serve other than to hit your partner where it hurts? Do you need or want your partner to take you out more/cuddle you/talk to your friends because your ex did so? No. That’s just a basic need of yours. That’s all you need to say. You don’t need to tell your partner how he compares to someone else. All he needs to know is how he is falling short of your needs.
SO YOUR PARTNER IS, UM, SMALLNo matter how you spin it, your partner will feel nothing but awful—and possibly forever—if you tell him his private part is small, or even a little below your standards. What is he going to do? Get a private part enlargement? Maybe, but then you’re the superficial and overly-demanding girlfriend who pressured him into spending thousands of his hard earned dollars on something that’s essentially just for your enjoyment. If you love this man, as far as he needs to be concerned his private part is perfect. And you just better work on finding sexual positions that work for you.
"I FORGOT TO TAKE THE PILL”Women do not realize just how much anxiety this little string of words gives a man. It’s all he will think about until you’re confirmed pregnant or not pregnant. He will do terribly at his job until then, be distant around his friends and probably be so distracted he’s at risk of getting in a car accident. Take the morning after pill, or that pregnancy test, and don’t make him nervous unless you have to.
“YOU'VE GAINED WEIGHT”Men are just as sensitive about this as women are. They’re simply told it’s “effeminate” to worry about one’s weight, so they hide their pain when you say, “You've grown a little tummy there.” But, they’re hurting. And they probably don’t want to have sex now either since they’re self-conscious about their body. Buy healthier groceries, distract him when he wants a late night snack, invite him on your runs, but don’t tell him he’s gained weight.
“I'VE BEEN AROUND YOU TOO MUCH”Think of the pain you feel when your guy simply says, “I need some guy time.” You already know that means he wants space from you, and at least he found a nicer way to say it! Imagine how your guy feels if you say, “I've been around you too much.” It doesn't mean there is anything wrong with your guy. What it really means is you want more time with yourself, or with your friends, or to spend on your hobbies/job/whatever. So say it that way instead.
“I THINK YOU COULD BE TRYING HARDER”At his job/career/aspirations. A person’s road to their dreams is a long and windy one, full of turns and bumps that only that person can understand. Be supportive and encouraging, but do not ever question the effort your man is putting into his dreams. He could be experiencing a slight bout of depression, or perhaps he is trying as hard as he possibly can! This is his path. Let him walk it the way he will.
“YOU’RE NOT VERY GOOD AT WHAT YOU DO”So your partner is constantly coming up with business ideas that you think are doomed to fail, or he is an aspiring actor who you think is terrible. But guess what? That’s his passion. That’s what makes him want to get out of bed in the morning. It’s what makes him happy to be alive. And that is all that should matter to you. You should love what he does, because he loves it.
“I DON’T LIKE YOUR PARENTS”Maybe you can’t stand his parents. Maybe they have even been rude to you. Unfortunately, you’re not allowed to tell your partner you do not like the people who raised him, and who he loves unconditionally. Did you catch that last part? Unconditionally. No matter what case you make against them, he will still love them. And then it will be awkward for him knowing you dislike them. It can often be awkward enough that he will break up with you.
“WELL I TALKED ABOUT IT WITH MY FRIENDS AND THEY THINK…”We all gab with our girlfriends about our relationship problems. And, deep down, your partner knows that. But don’t tell him what your friends have to say about the issues you two are having. They don’t have a place on the jury of your fights with your man. If you say, “Well my friends think you should do this” he will feel attacked and betrayed. He doesn't care what your friends think! He cares what you think.
"I'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT WHETHER OR NOT I WANT TO BE WITH YOU”Perhaps you have been questioning your relationship. But unless you have issues you can point to with tangible solutions, why are you bringing this up? It’s almost like a challenge to see what your partner will do to keep you. Either end it with him, or think of ways to fix what you’re unhappy about. This statement is just the unspoken thing underlying any fight—will the two of you work out? You don’t need to say it. You’re both thinking it! Putting it out there is only cruel and puts even more pressure on whatever argument is going on.
“YOUR ADVICE DOESN'T HELP ME”Your partner always chimes on what he thinks you should do about your career, your arguments with your friends etc. and his advice is never very spot on. Maybe he isn't educated enough about the issue. So what? It gives him joy to feel he might be helping you. It doesn't harm you to listen. And it does harm him to hear he’s not helping you.
Special thanks to Emmanuel Stanley Ofoha(Motivational Speaker)
Follow him on Twitter @pmanuelofoha
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