I used to have a friend who wasn’t good for me. She would put me down at every opportunity. If she saw me laughing and smiling, she would say something to bring me down. If she saw I was making progress, she would try to hold me back.
Sometimes, I’d hear about things she’d said behind my back. Or discover that she had been poisoning other people’s opinions about me. Even worse, I would find that she would tell others about my personal problems—things I’d discussed privately with her.
Obviously, I knew she wasn’t good for me. For a long time, I actually believed in her putdowns and thought there must be something wrong with me. But I tried very hard to rationalize her behavior because I cared about her.
I thought perhaps she hurt other people to lift her own spirits. Maybe she was just miserable and a lost soul herself. No matter what the reasons, I tried on many occasions to talk to her but her defenses would come up and she’d get angry.
In the end, I grew tired of her negativity, realized she was never going to change, shut her out of my life completely, and moved on.
Months, even years later, mutual friends mentioned her name, my heart would jump and I’d relive the pain.
All the old questions such as “Why was she so angry toward me?” and “What did I do wrong?” would re-emerge and I would torture myself.
For a long time I was extremely bitter and angry about what had happened. I used to fantasize about all the things I would say to her face when I next bumped into her. I’d imagine how great it would feel to really speak my mind.
But then, I saw the light. I realized that my former friend was suffering—just like we all are. I realized that she was unhappy.
It doesn’t matter how or why she was a bad friend. It matters that she wasn’t happy. It matters that I forgive. And it matters that I move on.
I also realized that if I continued to have negative feelings toward her, I would be poisoning myself and prolonging the suffering. I would be making myself unhappy when there really was no need to do it.
Today, I have forgiven my old friend. I am no longer angry or bitter toward her. I don’t take it personally when I still hear negative things she has said to mutual acquaintances. I don’t mind that she is still angry.